The Beginning of my COVID Story
On November 16th after the nurse weaved the second, of two, long q-tips through my nostrils, she said, “Your results will be sent to you via the portal within 2 hours.” All I could do was nod, “Yes,” because my physiological response to the testing procedure left me teary-eyed and speechless. I mean, as I was driving away I had to pull over because I was trembling, sneezing, coughing and laughing at myself all at the same time.
Intuitively I sensed what the results from this test would be. I drove around town just thinking and then came home and cooked as I waited. Around 3PM I logged onto the patient portal and there it was in bright red Christmas lights—POSITIVE. I said, “Buddy,” he looked at me, walked over and I just handed him my phone. Lorenzo looked at me, shaking his head and said, “We don’t have time to be sick with nothing.” I agreed with him and we began to process the impact these results would have on our plans for the remainder of the year. There was a calm assurance from the onset of my diagnosis with COVID-19 that both my husband and I would be fine.
The days ahead were laced with anxiety, prayers and lots of resting. I had a chronic headache, sore throat and discomfort in my chest. There were times that taking deep breaths was a challenge and times that I honestly just wanted my Momma. Some nights I woke up struggling to catch my breath and some nights I slept like there was no virus attempting to drain my body of the oxygen that I have always known to be a luxury. I grew up with life-threatening asthma, so breathing is a luxury. (Even without another person choking away your humanity and making you beg for life-giving breath). People were praying for me, bringing food to my door, texting and emailing me. It is rewarding when others affirm and confirm your presence with unprompted displays of gratitude and support. Thank ya’ll!
I knew that COVID-19 would not be the only challenge. I also knew that there would be a greater challenge. One day I will write about my “Challenge in COVIID-19.” I embrace the change that emerges from this challenge. As for today, I am overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed because over 295,000 people lost their lives to this deadly virus. 295,000 families have had to lay their loved ones to final rest and almost 16 million people have fought this virus, yet they are living to tell about it. That is overwhelming for me. I do not understand why I am surviving this virus that has killed too many people.
I am also deeply grieved. I know beyond any doubt that if this virus impacted, killed, the wealthy, affluent, cisgender whiteness the way it does those of us who do not identify by those labels, things would be different. I do not need to convince anyone that this is true. If you need convincing of this truth, then that is a privilege. I do not need to convince anyone of the struggles that accompany the battle of COVID-19. COVID-19 is a virus that stands alone in an individual and does just as it chooses. Its impact is vastly different in different bodies. It has left me extremely fatigued, with a nasty cough and sore throat and among other things, asking the question that only our sovereign creator can answer, “Is this humanity worth saving…again?”